I wonder why you can always read a doctor's bill and you can never read his prescription.
~ Finley Peter Dunne

Warning: Humor may be hazardous to your illness.
~ Ellie Katz

It is a mathematical fact that fifty percent of all doctors graduate in the bottom half of their class.
~ Author Unknown

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
~ Johnny Carson

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax - tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
~ Pearl Williams

To array a man's will against his sickness is the supreme art of medicine.
~ Henry Ward Beecher

Everyone who is born holds dual citizenship, in the kingdom of the well and in the kingdom of the sick. Although we all prefer to use only the good passport, sooner or later each of us is obliged, at least for a spell, to identify ourselves as citizens of that other place.
~ Susan Sontag, Illness as Metaphor, 1977

After two days in the hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.
~ W.C. Fields

I learned a long time ago that minor surgery is when they do the operation on someone else, not you.
~ Bill Walton